One of the more difficult parts of parenting a child with autism,
and something that can be hard to talk about, is the embarrassment you may feel about your child's behavior. As parents, we're not supposed to feel embarrassed about our children, yet we're also taught that children should behave, and if they don't, it's probably a result of faulty parenting.

This belief system can be very disempowering, especially for a
parent of a child with autism, because it's impossible to control
everything your child does. At those times when your child is
acting strangely or falling apart, you can feel embarrassed or
angry about the judgment you may feel from others. As a result, you may feel pressure to do something against your instincts, such as punish your child, just to save face, to look like you're in
control, or to assuage your anger.

In reality, just like the sadness issue, how you feel about others'
opinions is completely up to you. Believe it or not, you can choose
to feel however you like when your child throws a tantrum in the
mall. You don't have to feel unhappy just because your child is
unhappy, or because others may judge you or your child. It's
possible to empathize with your child in the situation while
remaining happy and calm, or at least neutral and calm.

Next time you're in such a situation, ask yourself this question-

"Which attitude would best serve me, my child, and this situation?
Happy and calm, or embarrassed and angry?" My guess is that happy and calm would be the better choice in most situations, but
ultimately your mindset is up to you. You cannot be influenced by
others' opinions, your child's feelings, or anything else, unless
you decide that you can.

Now let's turn for a moment to the person who is judging your
child. This is someone who is judging a child with special needs.
What exactly does that say about them? In reality, their judgment doesn't define you or your child at all. Instead, their judgment
defines them as someone who needs to judge. It has nothing to do with you or your child.

If your child could do better right now, he would. In time he will
do better, no matter what's happening at this moment. If you choose happiness instead of embarrassment, you can best support your child when he needs you most, even while he's falling apart at the mall.

Sandra Sinclair

www.autismvoice.com

Keywords: embarrassment, support, PDD, Autism, ASD, AS, advocate

Comments (3) | Permanent Link | Cosmos

Friday, November 3

Parenting Autism- Getting Past the Sadness

by sandrasinclair on November 3, 2006 06:18AM (EST)

I remember feeling quite sad for a long time about my son's autism, and at times that feeling still overtakes me, but now things are different, because I understand that what the rest of the world has decided is a tragedy is not necessarily one. I have chosen not to follow what everyone else thinks I should feel. Instead, I choose to feel happy most of the time, because I don't think my child is a tragedy at all, and I wrote two articles about this - one caled Getting Past the Sadness, and one called Getting Past the Embarrasment. Both are about our acceptance or not of other people's views and attitudes.

- Sandra Sinclair

Parenting Autism- Getting Past the Sadness

It's very common for a parent of an autistic child to sometimes feel quite sad about his or her child's autism. After all, every parent wants his or her child to be accepted, to live a happy life, and to make all of their dreams a reality. In fact, you may have experienced an overwhelming feeling of sadness upon hearing of your child's autism, as our society has long held the idea that your child's condition is tragic and incurable.

But I invite you to look at things in a different way. Perhaps you can look at your child as not tragic or incurable, but rather, as unique and remarkable.

In our society, people who are different are often seen as unfortunate, sad cases. But if you think about it, your child is probably a pretty amazing person. His autism is actually a part of who he is, and he's probably not sad about it at all, unless society has convinced him otherwise.

Imagine if our society held autism up as an incredibly marvelous thing. In that case, most of us would be pretty happy about our child's autism, right? Our child would still be autistic, but our perception of what that means would be different, and so would our resulting emotional response.

In either case, society is telling us how we should feel- happy or unhappy. But in reality, no one else can dictate your feelings, unless you allow it. You truly decide how you feel from moment to moment. You decide if you're going to buy someone else's idea about how you should feel. And yes, you can decide to be happy or unhappy, despite what everyone has told you. You can decide to be happy now, without waiting till your child is recovered. I'm not talking about denial, where you're pushing down feelings and pretending they're not there. I'm actually talking about making the decision to be truly happy.

That doesn't mean that you give up on hoping and trying for more. If you can hope and work for your child's best outcome without making your happiness dependent upon it, and if you fully accept your child as he is now, even with his autism, then your child will feel that acceptance and positive expectation, and will respond by believing in himself.

No matter how many gloom and doom predictions others make about your child, you ultimately decide what you believe. Making the decision to fully accept your child and to be happy now, while trying for the best possible outcome will give your child what he needs- lots of learning opportunities in an accepting and loving environment.

Sandra Sinclair
www.autismvoice.com

Keywords: sadness, support, PDD, Autism, ASD, AS, Advocating

Comments (2) | Permanent Link | Cosmos

Next time you're in such a situation, ask yourself this question-

If your child could do better right now, he would. In time he will do better, no matter what's happening at this moment. If you choose happiness instead of embarrassment, you can best support your child when he needs you most, even while he's falling apart at the mall.

Sandra Sinclair

www.autismvoice.com

If your child could do better right now, he would. In time he will
do better, no matter what's happening at this moment. If you choose happiness instead of embarrassment, you can best support your child when he needs you most, even while he's falling apart at the mall.